We're on the second week of 2018 and my make goal lists pad is still blank. Is it a bad thing or not? I'm not sure...
In the past, I prepare a lists of things I wish to accomplish come every new year. Whether it be personal or not, I make time to lists them out and tried my best to achieve them one by one. Normally, I feel glad to turn some into reality and felt frustrated whenever things don't go my way. Thus, it boils down to layers of layers of disappointments but I was able to bring myself up immediately.
But last year was ferocious. Not everyone knows, but I have been in an emotional turmoil, 10 months to be exact. I was basically battling myself out of my own demons and of the stresses of the world (work and relational). From the outside, I looked like I have a very promising day to day life. Showing myself as strong, fierce and independent woman. Making it looked like I am having the best years of my life. Seems to be unafraid to face whatever life throws at me. Don't get me wrong, I still got my family and trusted friends and I am grateful to breathe every single day and be with the people I love. But in my alone time, I cried my heart out to my God. I was fragile. I struggle to lift myself up. Piece by piece I am starting to break.
I was emotionally beaten up by the people who I put my trust into and by my own expectations. Well, they say it takes two to tango so yes, I blamed myself too much for getting too attached and giving. I let my guards down that it almost broke my world.
So I pretty had that self pity moments which lasted for 10 months. I dealt with it vigorously, balancing life and making it look normal from the outside. I knew I needed a break so I travel to new places I've never been to. The emotional shock was too intense I had to fight it alone. I made myself preoccupied with things I never thought I could do. Have you seen my paintings? Sleepless nights after another where I quietly cry myself out to God.
And then eventually, I grew tired. I knew I needed to do something. Since I am beginning to feel I am losing my own self. My outlet becomes my new found passion. Slowly, I learned to forgive myself and expect less from others. Oh, how difficult it is to wear different hats in exactly the same time just to please everybody. :(
But it was during this difficult time that I learned to be forgiving, accepting and just. To not dwell and live in stereotype anymore. To not let others dictates how I should live my life, limit or control me so as it pleases them. I learn to care less. The difficulties I encountered help me understanding how I can choose my battles wisely. I learned to stood up again and better myself up. Not because I am for revenge, or to bring anyone down or get even, but to free myself from hurt and start celebrating my individuality. Cliche as it may sound (since it's very general) but yeah I feel better going unspecific right now and just live my life one day at a time.
My walls were already broken with these difficulties, but my faith has been renewed, what else can I ask for? And with a grateful heart, I choose to continue to give love to those who are worthy of it and only accept positivity along my journey. :)
